I hate writing about feelings. Every time I do it comes across as pathetic or fake. But today I hope to be sincere.

Around 10:30 this morning I came into the office. Earlier while I was in class Jacqueline had sent me a text, "I just got a call from Barnes and Rass abt coming into the office and they sounded down. Joe was called too. Know what's up?"

I figured this meant we were being disqualified from the elections or that the cabinet was getting fired. After mulling this over more thoughts started popping into my head, what if someone was in the hospital. That is plausible. Cherie is not doing well, she went to the emergency room earlier this week, it could be her. Anxiety consumed me for the next half hour.

10:30. I walk in and see too many people in the lobby. The normal Faye and Monet, but there are way too many lingering in the sitting area. A.J, Rachel, Jesse, Josh, Antwone, and about five other people who are not students and I don't know who they are. I see Laurel in the foyer leaning against a desk slightly slouched, unusual for her, normally she is very proper. Joe, standing at attention like a good sailor.

Then I see Jacqueline, her eyes swollen with tears. My heart drops. I start quickly for the foyer, I am without words. I know something terrible has happened. I have been fired. We all have been fired.

A.J. calls me over but Faye stops, "Jacqueline wants to see you, first."

I look over and see Jacqueline still crying, I look Joe in the eyes for an answer, I can read him. Something is terribly wrong.

Cautiously I walk through the glass double doors and into the chamber. There is something vulnerable about that foyer. Even though no one can here you, they can see you. You can't explain your actions in the foyer. People see you and they judge you.

I walk into the foyer and stand speechless for a moment. There is pain in the air.

I look Joe in the eyes, "What's going on."

Laurel begins to explain what has happened. Two nights ago, one of our accountants, John Sapp, had gone to house sit for Ms. Betty's brother in his Queens Harbor house. She tells me that this was John's favorite place.

Suicide.

She tells me that he loved to watch the sailboats go by on the intra-coastal.

Definitely.

She tells me that John Sapp had died in his sleep two nights ago.

"This is a joke," I think,"This is John playing the greatest prank ever, and I am not falling for it."
Laurel continues, explaining that Ms. Betty and she and found him yesterday lying in bed and that he had passed on.

Death is something that I take surprisingly well. I'm not sure if it is because I went to so many funerals of my grandparent's friends when I was young that makes me so accepting of death, but this is a time when I should feel strickened with grief, but I do not.

"At least he died peacefully," concludes Laurel.

We continue to talk and more people file into the foyer, I'd rather be alone, the less people the better. I want to see Ms. Betty, but she is in her office with a counselor and no one can go into the office yet. Laurel leaves and now there are six students in the foyer Jacqueline, Joe, Josh, Hovel, Rass, and myself. I want to leave, but I don't want to be rude and peace out while everyone is mourning. The conversation goes in circles. Someone tells a story about John and how peculiar he was, and then they emphasize how surprised they are because he was so young.
This continues for a few minutes before Laurel returns.

"Betty wants to see you."

I pause. Rass is the first to move, I follow, so do the others. The six somberly walk into John's office. This is when it hits me. My eyes water and I feel a tear forming. I force myself to look straight ahead. I notice nothing in John's office. I have blinders.

As we enter Betty's office she grabs Rass and holds her close. I'm next and as she embraces me a the tear falls from my eye onto my cheek. This is the first tear I've had in years. Betty is the mother, each one of us is her child. We sit around her table and she begins to eulogize. She can't hold back her tears, and she recalls the first time she met John in a breaking voice.

This moment was the hardest of the day. This mood continues throughout the day even though it considerably lightens, but there is an odd depression for the rest of the day.
I swim later to get my mind off of death. But on return to the office the depression continues. I hate how everyone brings up the little things that remind them of John. This doesn't make anything better for me. It just annoys me and it brings all the emotions back up for everyone.